Fail love for the Nth time

It's always late at night when I wondered why do I always fail relationships.

Almost everybody at my age are busy getting partners, being married and starting to build their families. In order to cope with the misery of being single, I just try to justify  myself that it is not the right time for me to find the love that I want to feel, experience and live with. But it makes me think what I have been doing wrong and been doing again and again. There must be.

I love myself. This is something I always knew, or not. But being in a relationship makes me an entirely different person. I can become carelessly selfless that I abandon myself just to please the other person.

I always fail relationships simply because I forget to love myself first.

A dream I have to give up

I also want to walk in the aisle...

in white dress
shining beaded bodice
like how the stars shine in the darkest moment
in exquisite drape of patience and understanding...

I also want to walk in the aisle...

approach the dark wooden open doors
hear the sweet music plays
see happy faces before me
and the face of the man who I will see
each waking day of my life...

I dreamed of the moment
that someone will hold my hands
in times of joy and sorrow
connected and timeless...

















For so long I hold on
to the white rose I've asked
it arrived with good promises
But dried too fast...


Now to what hope should I hold on...
If the white rose already went dry...
With no promises to keep...
with no hope to keep...

It is okay to cry

I still love him and I cannot contain the sadness being brought to me by knowing that he does not love me anymore.

It is okay to cry.

Tonight

Tonight, I am with the man that I loved and still love. But this man beside me is not the man that used to be with my side. He is another person in the same body.

I asked myself the forgiveness. To put on a straight face and be cold is something that is especially hard to do. I tried hard to pretend to myself that I have forgotten this man beside me. But the warmth and manly scent seethe through my heart. I might have been successful pretending to others. But still not to myself.

I knew for a fact that this relationship might fail but not this too soon. I even dreamed myself with this man some years ahead. Something that never foresee in my past relationships.

We loved too soon. And too soon it faded. And now, I have to let go.

Whirlwind

" A smile that could launch a thousand sails."

This used to be the description tagged to me by our high school publication years ago.

Yes. Everyone loves the way I smile and that I smile often. But recent years gave me a storm than what I am prepared to face. My life took all twists and turns and I can't seem to find the best solution to make things better. I started to shut down myself, feel the fear of rejection, and be overwhelmed by self-pity.

These feelings have shaken me emotionally and the depression I felt affected my everyday life. I started to doubt myself, who I am and my capabilities. I started to neglect myself and forget the old person that used to be me.

My friends and my boyfriend became my sole comfort with the things that have been happening. Things that I have no control of. And I am very thankful, that despite of not having a brother, these people became a family to me.

But as things bound to an end. I felt some friends going away. Maybe I am too much to handle with all my financial problems and  my emotional disturbances. So as romance bound to fail.

For years, I wanted so much to be complete that each failed relationship left me emptier than the last. I expected a lot of the relationship I have that I want to make it as a source of all the strength that I need during these times. But such expectations failed me.

The man I loved began to pity me. He felt his love for me overshadowed by pity. For a woman to know this would be devastating not only because the person who said this happens to be her lover, but because, of all the persons that surround you, this man should be the first person to believe in you.

I felt water splash over my body. I left like a wet chick left by her mother. My heart and ego cannot  reconcile what I should feel.

After long and endless nights of crying, I felt anger. I felt my ego. I felt that no one should be looking down at me that way. Reality check, the events in my life could be pitiful. But for a love to turn into pity is another story.

To be continued...

Gabi at ang Bituin

minsan isang gabi

madilim at hindi magawa ng buwan

sumilip upang bigyan ng ningning ang gabi

napatingala ako at may mga bituin

pa rin pala.

minsan isang gabi

madilim at wala akong makita

kundi ang dilim na tila'y nagsasabing

ako ay nag-iisa

kasabay nito ang pag-agos

ng mga butil ng luha

kasabay ng pag-ihip

ng malamig na hangin

nakaakap sa pusong walang saya.

sa kailaliman ng gabi

nakakita ako ng isang bituin

iba ang kanyang ningning

at namangha ako sa taglay nitong

ganda

ngunit ako ay biglang natakot

na ito ay mawala

at tuluyang dumilim ang gabi

at tuluyang pumatak ang luha

at tuluyang ako ay mag-isa.

minsan isang gabi

pinangarap kong hindi mag-isa

kasama ang maningning na bituin

na ngayon ang liwanag...

ay unti-unting lumalamlam...

nagbabadya ng kanyang paglisan.

kasabay nito napaisip

ang nagpupuyos na damdamin

na gustong magtago sa dilim

ng gabi

kung bakit

ang nag-iisang tala

na nagbibigay ng liwanag

sa pusong salat sa pagmamahal

ay kailangan lumisan

at kainin ng dilim

ang natitirang ligaya.

Love is never like investing to a business

Falling in love is like investing in a business. This is what a friend said to me. You have to weigh in the options, choose which is the best and which can be an alternative. And when you finally choose the person, you pour out everything on it, but leave some for yourself.

This is true, but comparing love to an investment means, you need to put in your interest, how it can be beneficial to you. It is up to you whether you choose to have a win-win situation for the both of you.

SO I keep my stand, that love cannot be compared to a  business. True love does not expect anything in return. You can become a millionaire or be left bankrupt. Getting into a relationship means you are left with no options but to put the ace card you have.

For so many years, I dreamed of finding the right guy for me. I went bankrupt several times, but started investing again after several bankruptcies. It doesn't matter how much investment gone into waste. I am always rich with love.

I dreamt of finding the right guy for me and it came to a point that I stopped dreaming. I feared that I will lose the last piece that I have.

But I gambled again. This time, I hope I would not go into bankruptcy again.

Three love letters in my life

I only had three love letters in my life.

The first one was from an anonymous person during my high school years when "autograph" books are still in. Never it occurred to me that it is true as I took it as plain joke yet made my heart beat though.

The second one was from my boyfriend in college. Written in a recycled card with dried flowers, something that I always love for the creativity, it made me feel special, as I was able to meet his family. Though, we didn't last, I am happy as we are still friends.

The third love letter is the longest love letter I've ever received. I am flattered by his story that he didn't like the original stationary bought along with the envelope and so he cut from the papers of his organizer. But much more flattering is, I can feel the love in every word written on this piece of paper and that, someone thinks of me this very special.

And at last, I was able to put this into writing. I am simply happy to received a love letter.

My Dream Valentine

It's the month of the hearts again. While I believe that this event is all about business, I can't help it but get lost in the spell of romance as I see roses, balloons and hearts everywhere. Everything is wrapped in red. And the fact haunts me, I never had a Valentine date.

Well maybe, I had a Valentine date but not on the 14th where everyone is busy giggling and being hopelessly romantic is not a crime.

I want to have a Valentine date someday; watch movie, dine out and most importantly, receive roses. While being practical may sound as an excuse for not giving flowers, nothing beats their scent and beauty, died to be offered to a special someone.

I wonder when will be that be? I hope I'm not too old to have one. Oh well, I'll just prepare for a Valentine date on a work meeting again (every year).

Hands Off!

I like a person. He is jolly, simple and has a face that could make every girl smile. He seems intellectual too. The first time I saw him, I find him interesting but his face also spell out the word CAUTION. Yes I think he is a playboy and so I left the idea alone.

It wasn't until two years after that we got short but constant communication through a social networking site. I find myself renewing interest in him but he is attached.

I said to myself that it is okay to befriend him, only that. No more, no less. But I think I am starting to fall for him and I cannot deny it no matter how I tried to hide even to myself.

When that love is not for you

Repeated backspaces can be heard as I am composing this letter. Writing about love is actually tough. You become transparent of what your ideals are and maybe, what kind of person are you. But this actually makes me feel better. And because it is February, I will choose to write about it. This Heart's month will be like any other year in the past. No date, no love. 

I honestly expect that this year, I will be having a good Valentine date. But my recent break up ( actually it's already 3 months) made this impossible. And I am pretty sure, like the past years of my life, I will spending the special day in work meetings.

When you are faced with the fact that the relationship you are in is not for you, it hurts. You can come up with numberless questions and nobody will be able to answer you. Of course, crying will be frequent and maybe a drink or two with you being alone. While you may think that this is pathetic, it is not. Why? Because it's part of grieving. Unless you grieve for your loss, you will not be able to accept the situation you are in. There is no short cut.

During this times, you will seek all love that you can get and assure to yourself that it is not one of the fictions that you believed. And yes, many people do love you more than you know. What matters now, is to answer this question: DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?

I marked this question in bold because only a few of us will be able to answer this honestly. Many actually do not know the answer to this. Even I. I thought I love myself only when my friend asked me this question, that made me think about it seriously. If I really love myself during those times, such things would not have happened. I will not expand on this and keep it to myself. I'm sorry my dear readers.

But the point that I am trying to arrived is, no matter what you do, when that love is not for you, you should accept it and be honest to yourself. Get hurt, fear, cry. No one is stopping you to do that.

Only after that you will realized when that love is not for you, there will be better who will come and who deserve you and it's not the other way around.

I can't begin to tell

I can't begin to tell
How I developed this feelings of mine
I think I will never
ever realized, how wrong this love might be.


But baby give me this chance
To fall for you
And whisper the words I want to say
All I want is to see and love you then.


I can't begin to tell
How I developed this feelings of mine
But please baby let me whisper this
I will love you, how wrong this love might be.