Whirlwind

" A smile that could launch a thousand sails."

This used to be the description tagged to me by our high school publication years ago.

Yes. Everyone loves the way I smile and that I smile often. But recent years gave me a storm than what I am prepared to face. My life took all twists and turns and I can't seem to find the best solution to make things better. I started to shut down myself, feel the fear of rejection, and be overwhelmed by self-pity.

These feelings have shaken me emotionally and the depression I felt affected my everyday life. I started to doubt myself, who I am and my capabilities. I started to neglect myself and forget the old person that used to be me.

My friends and my boyfriend became my sole comfort with the things that have been happening. Things that I have no control of. And I am very thankful, that despite of not having a brother, these people became a family to me.

But as things bound to an end. I felt some friends going away. Maybe I am too much to handle with all my financial problems and  my emotional disturbances. So as romance bound to fail.

For years, I wanted so much to be complete that each failed relationship left me emptier than the last. I expected a lot of the relationship I have that I want to make it as a source of all the strength that I need during these times. But such expectations failed me.

The man I loved began to pity me. He felt his love for me overshadowed by pity. For a woman to know this would be devastating not only because the person who said this happens to be her lover, but because, of all the persons that surround you, this man should be the first person to believe in you.

I felt water splash over my body. I left like a wet chick left by her mother. My heart and ego cannot  reconcile what I should feel.

After long and endless nights of crying, I felt anger. I felt my ego. I felt that no one should be looking down at me that way. Reality check, the events in my life could be pitiful. But for a love to turn into pity is another story.

To be continued...